I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
