Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
