Jerry, you need to find god
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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