he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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