I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
