He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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