Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I met the friendliest cop last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
