Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
