ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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