Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
