If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
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