when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize