i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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