It's official drugs can't kill me
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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