Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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