alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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