Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
