I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
