apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
im holly from the hills drunk
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
