apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
All the doctor said was why
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
