i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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