So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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