Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
