I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Randomize
