I met the friendliest cop last night
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
