you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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