i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
