Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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