dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
