I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
