she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
