I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
