rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
