you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
