probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
