Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
