what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
