I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
