We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
