I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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