I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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