I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
