Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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