things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
