I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
