I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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