and you said cock pushups were impossible
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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