So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
