Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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