We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize