yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i love accidental penises.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
