I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
