i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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