woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
