im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
